Smash of the Day: Badland Dandies vs Cheese Thieves
'Hello viewers, and welcome to Smash of the Day, bought to you by the partnership of ESPN and Snorri’s Tasty Gravel Snacks- if your throat feels like a quarry, it’s Snorri’s. I’m your host, Gary Sublimikar (buy more Snorri’s) and helping review today’s ESPN League action are Algernon Pickwhistle, holder of the award for Most Concussions Survived in Blood Bol XXVI, and Jemimah Overkill, joining us from Cabalvision after...’
‘Let’s not mention that, Gary. The charges were, after all, never proven.’
‘Oh, of course, Jemimah, of course. Well, viewers, we have a very special treat for you today- the very first, inaugural, opening game of the ESPN League between the Badland Dandies and the Cheese Thieves. Algernon, why don’t you start us off with your review of the teams tactics?’
'Right yeah, erm, well, y’see, we never did much in the way of tactics with old Frodo Buggins, y’see, he was more concerned with this old ring he had, and...
'Well thanks for that, Algernon, and apparently we have had a call from a Mr Naz Gull asking for any information on the whereabouts of your old coach and this ring he kept mentioning. Anyway Blood Bowl fans, on with our review of today's action, which you will of course be watching along with u thanks to our patented WebSight technology. Jemimah?'
'Thanks, Gary. The Dandies kicked off and as we can see the lineman Philorctetes, well, he hasn’t been the same since that foot injury, and it flew straight into the crowd, who gave it back to the Skaven. Still, Phil’s kick gave the Orcs time to rush into the Skaven half to put a bit of pressure on the Cheese Thieves ball carrier Dangerous Beans...'
'Didn’t help much, though, did it- look at that rat go.'
'Good player, innee.'
'Ah, yes, Algernon... Well, with a bit of a shimmy and the help of a timely block from the Thieve’s Blitzer Spiteful Pugh, Beans rushed through the Orc line and offloaded to Forbidden Sardines to score the game’s first Touchdown.'
'Cue wild celebrations from the Thieves fans there, Jemimah, with their signature chant of Things can only get Feta... but lineman The Infamous Nigel looks like he met a pretty infamous fate at the hands of Platorc the blocker.'
'Yeah, Platorc got him good. Reminds me of the famous Grasshopper game against the Chaos All Stars, Gary, when my good mate Randy Oldman got a proper good whack at the All Star captain Jimmy ‘Page’ Turner... I lost a lot of good mates that day, Gary. Probably not a good idea to anger them really.'
'Well quite Algernon. Back to the action though and Orcimedes took the resulting kick-off with aplomb, racing into the tightest cage I’ve seen since my ill-fated trip to that Goblin strip-club. Another pretty vicious block by Blitzer Patrorclus there...'
'Is it just my eyes or is the Theives’ apothecary having a nap in the Thieve's dugout Jemimah?
'It certainly looks like it Gary, and I’m sure Risky Chowder will be having words with him later... if he can speak through the plaster cast. We can see the Dandies making slow but steady progress up the field for a while, but what’s this- oh my, Orcimedes won’t be happy with that, will he?'
'Let’s look at that again Jemimah.'
'Well Gary, a pretty innocuous push by the skaven Optimistic Prawn should have posed no issue but Orcimedes trips right over the prone form of Cassandwaagh the goblin and boom, the ball’s loose...'
'Not the best thing to do with Skaven around- those rats are slippery than a wet r- oh.'
'Hectorc manages to get to the loose ball but his throw under pressure... well, I’ve seen you throw better than that Algernon, and you’re three feet tall.'
'And there goes Forbidden Sardines again with the pick up and – wow, look at that pass, right down the other end of the field. It’s caught by Nefarious Peaches and that’s 2-0.'
'Surely an unassailable lead, Jemimah?'
'You’d think so Gary, but looking at the Dandies coach Orkdysseus on the touchline, I wouldn’t want to say that to his face. He is fuming. And... well it looks like the Dandies fans are fuming too, as they charge onto the pitch.'
'The Thieves fans are joining them, Jemimah, and it looks like half of the Orc team have been knocked to the ground. Algernon, what’s it like when the fans invade the pitch like that?'
'Not sure Gary. We never had any fans, so...'
'Onto the second half then, viewers, and this time it’s Hectorc who picks up the ball and charges into the cage.'
'Not many Skaven there now Gary.'
'No Algernon, with two injuries and Blitzer Spiteful Pugh recovering from a nasty blow to the head in the dugout the thieves look a little short handed as the Orcs plough down the pitch.'
'There’s a spirited attempt by Foridden Sardines to halt them but Hectorc barges his way through and it’s 2-1. Superb play from the Dandies there Gary, and may I point out that they seem to be targeting Sardines with some rough treatment- Orkdysseus is clearly not happy with the space the Skaven star got in the first half.'
'Yes Jemimah, and as the ball is kicked back to the Thieves you can see three or four of them hunting Sardines down.'
'Yeah they’re packing him in like some kind of small generic fish into a tin receptacle of some sort.'
Still it looks like the Skaven captain Tumultuous O’Reilly has everything under control, just keeping the ball safely away from the onrushing Orcs- oh no? What happened there Jemimah?
'I didn’t get a great look at it Gary but it seems like Dangerous Beans tripped over his own tail while dodging away from the Orc Blitzer Orcilles. I think it might have just clipped his heel... But the confusion has let Sophorcles the other Blitzer to ask some serious questions of O’Reilly... and there’s Casandwaagh nipping in to pick up the loose ball right at the end of the half.
All she has to do is walk it into the end zone and the Dandies have pulled off an unlikely draw... But wait, Cassandwaagh is down too, amazing scenes here!'
'What a turn up for the books.'
'She certainly didn’t see that one coming, Gary. And there’s Forbidden Sardines again to gather the ball and toss it into the safe arms of the recovered Malicious Tomato, and that’s the final whistle. Wow, what a game, viewers. That’s the most eventful ending I’ve seen since I hung around with some Slaaneshi cultists and a captive giant. Those girls had pretty sure hands, Gary.
'That’s fantastic Jemimah. And a great note on which to end the show. Don’t forget to tune in again next week viewers for more expert opinions from Jemimah and Algernon and the next games in the ESPN League.'
