Hello viewers, and welcome to Smash of the Day, today bought to you by the partnership of ESPN and Gooop- for when science doesn't quite match up with your preconceived beliefs. I’m your host, Gary Sublimikar (vaccines are poison) and helping review today’s ESPN League action are Ignatius Flopsicle, winner of the Spike Magazine Trophy for Best Kept Dugout 2343, and Jemimah Overkill, joining us despite recent allegations that...’
Now now Gary, don't breach that superinjunction. You remember what happened last time...
Of course, Jemimah. Well viewers, we have a bit of a treat for you today, some Elf on Elf action-
Steady on, chap, that sort of talk could get one in quite the pickle, what?
Well, quite, Ignatius. As I was saying, today's game was between the Bejewelled Bastards and the stars of our upcoming Team Review, Sylvanian Family Planning. So without further ado, let's get on to the no doubt very stylish action- Jemimah?
Yes, undoubtedly we're about to witness a very skilful, genteel game of Blood Bowl today Gary. I am expecting impeccable behaviour on the pitch and-
Oh I say, they're charging the pitch!
...as I was saying, Gary, the two sets of fans look very rowdy and I am sure there's going to be a bit of a bloodbath in this one.
Well, Jemimah, if the crowd gets their way there will/be- they've laid out the whole left hand side of the Bastards' defence, and as we kick off the ball sails high into the air and- the Sylvanians score!
Blimey, those Wardancers can swift jolly quick, Gary.
They can indeed, Ignatius, and as we watch the replay we can see the Wardancers closing in on the Bastards' thrower Foldimon Vendan and that is a pretty graceful move from Caomhan Braycon to strip the ball and run it into the end zone.
That didn't take long, did it Jemimah. And while we watch the Sylvanians celebrate Ignatius, I believe you are a good friend of the Bastards' supposed benefactor, King Shitehawk de Pfeffel, and I've been asked to-
There's no truth in the rumours, old sport, if that's what you mean. Not a single jot.
Well, that's not what I heard, Ingnatius, and it has to be said that I've also heard the Bastards' name is well earned considering de Pfeffle's rather energetic nighttime habits-
Well I never, the absolute downright cheek-
Sorry to interrupt what looks to be a more violent encounter than the one of the pitch, guys, but the ball's been kicked off again and this time the Bastards are making for the end zone, led by their star Blitzer Khidell Omalee. That's a lovely pass from thrower Vendan and it looks like- oh no!
Oh no is right, Gary, the ball is dropped just shy of the Sylvanian's end zone and picked up by the scorer of the first Touchdown Caomhan Braycon.
The jig certainly seems to be up for the Union team, Gary, what?
Early days yet Ignatius, but there are a couple of slick passes and the ball is caressed into the arms of the Sylvanian catcher Qi Ron who runs in for touchdown number 2.
And in the middle of that drive the poor Bastards' catcher Almer Umera was knocked into the crowd, a section of whom seem to have made off with her gem encrusted breastplate...
Oh my...
Ignatius seems to have been taken a little ill by that turn of events, viewers- let's hope he doesn't have any of that new Bugman's Flu, made in conjunction with the Plague God Nurgle, eh? We'll move on to the second half without him. Seems like the Sylvanian coach Gwynne Paltrowan is unhappy with his charges despite their half time lead, Jemimah?
Well quite Gary, he seems to be giving all of them what looks to me like a sugar tablet and a fifteen times distilled glass of water. It's certainly having an effect, they look like they are furious. It's a pretty aggressive start from them and- wow, scorer Braycon seems to have hurt himself running into a particularly large emerald on one of the Bastards' helmets.
Is his foot loose, Jemimah?
That's beneath you, Gary. Anyway, the ball is changing hands rapidly now- Bastardsblitzer Rovaro knocks own Qi Ron the catcher to grab hold of the football but it's quickly stolen back by Gor Ville the wardancer, who then falls over his own hooves. The ball's bouncing around and no one seems to want toget hold of it, but wait, in comes Bastards thrower Vendan picks it up and draws her arm back, the pass is gong, going... oh no, it's intercepted by the branches of the Dryad Quickbeam, and the Sylvanians have the ball back.
She's surrounded by Elves though Jemimah so- oh my, how did she do that?
She sways like a willow past four challenges Gary, before offloading to Qi Ron to run in his second touchdown of the game. What a move!
The Bastards look deflated, Jemimah- can they react to this?
They seem to wannt to try, Gary- they are in it straight from/the kick off, that's a great pass by Vendan and... oh, Khidel Omalee is smacked clean in the face by the recovered Caomhan Braycon and that is one superb throw from Sylvanian Keitha McJilly.
Daughter of course of team coach Gwynne Paltrowan (buy Gooop).
That's right Gary, and that sends Gor Ville the wardancer clear and there's number 4. The goblin ref blows its whistle and, wow, that won't be one the Bastards' coach will want to repeat in a hurry.
Certainly not, Jemimah, and as Sylvanian Family Planning race to the top of the league almost as quickly as their Wardancers move, that seems the perfect place at which to end the show. Join us next time on Smash of the Day for coverage of Salas' Saltminers versus My Chemical Necromance, which promises to be a frenzied atmosphere, and remember- buy Gooop, for when the sent of your own genitals just isn't enough. Goodnight !
Wednesday, 18 March 2020
Saturday, 29 February 2020
Smash of the Day 1
Smash of the Day: Badland Dandies vs Cheese Thieves
'Hello viewers, and welcome to Smash of the Day, bought to you by the partnership of ESPN and Snorri’s Tasty Gravel Snacks- if your throat feels like a quarry, it’s Snorri’s. I’m your host, Gary Sublimikar (buy more Snorri’s) and helping review today’s ESPN League action are Algernon Pickwhistle, holder of the award for Most Concussions Survived in Blood Bol XXVI, and Jemimah Overkill, joining us from Cabalvision after...’
‘Let’s not mention that, Gary. The charges were, after all, never proven.’
‘Oh, of course, Jemimah, of course. Well, viewers, we have a very special treat for you today- the very first, inaugural, opening game of the ESPN League between the Badland Dandies and the Cheese Thieves. Algernon, why don’t you start us off with your review of the teams tactics?’
'Right yeah, erm, well, y’see, we never did much in the way of tactics with old Frodo Buggins, y’see, he was more concerned with this old ring he had, and...
'Well thanks for that, Algernon, and apparently we have had a call from a Mr Naz Gull asking for any information on the whereabouts of your old coach and this ring he kept mentioning. Anyway Blood Bowl fans, on with our review of today's action, which you will of course be watching along with u thanks to our patented WebSight technology. Jemimah?'
'Thanks, Gary. The Dandies kicked off and as we can see the lineman Philorctetes, well, he hasn’t been the same since that foot injury, and it flew straight into the crowd, who gave it back to the Skaven. Still, Phil’s kick gave the Orcs time to rush into the Skaven half to put a bit of pressure on the Cheese Thieves ball carrier Dangerous Beans...'
'Didn’t help much, though, did it- look at that rat go.'
'Good player, innee.'
'Ah, yes, Algernon... Well, with a bit of a shimmy and the help of a timely block from the Thieve’s Blitzer Spiteful Pugh, Beans rushed through the Orc line and offloaded to Forbidden Sardines to score the game’s first Touchdown.'
'Cue wild celebrations from the Thieves fans there, Jemimah, with their signature chant of Things can only get Feta... but lineman The Infamous Nigel looks like he met a pretty infamous fate at the hands of Platorc the blocker.'
'Yeah, Platorc got him good. Reminds me of the famous Grasshopper game against the Chaos All Stars, Gary, when my good mate Randy Oldman got a proper good whack at the All Star captain Jimmy ‘Page’ Turner... I lost a lot of good mates that day, Gary. Probably not a good idea to anger them really.'
'Well quite Algernon. Back to the action though and Orcimedes took the resulting kick-off with aplomb, racing into the tightest cage I’ve seen since my ill-fated trip to that Goblin strip-club. Another pretty vicious block by Blitzer Patrorclus there...'
'Is it just my eyes or is the Theives’ apothecary having a nap in the Thieve's dugout Jemimah?
'It certainly looks like it Gary, and I’m sure Risky Chowder will be having words with him later... if he can speak through the plaster cast. We can see the Dandies making slow but steady progress up the field for a while, but what’s this- oh my, Orcimedes won’t be happy with that, will he?'
'Let’s look at that again Jemimah.'
'Well Gary, a pretty innocuous push by the skaven Optimistic Prawn should have posed no issue but Orcimedes trips right over the prone form of Cassandwaagh the goblin and boom, the ball’s loose...'
'Not the best thing to do with Skaven around- those rats are slippery than a wet r- oh.'
'Hectorc manages to get to the loose ball but his throw under pressure... well, I’ve seen you throw better than that Algernon, and you’re three feet tall.'
'And there goes Forbidden Sardines again with the pick up and – wow, look at that pass, right down the other end of the field. It’s caught by Nefarious Peaches and that’s 2-0.'
'Surely an unassailable lead, Jemimah?'
'You’d think so Gary, but looking at the Dandies coach Orkdysseus on the touchline, I wouldn’t want to say that to his face. He is fuming. And... well it looks like the Dandies fans are fuming too, as they charge onto the pitch.'
'The Thieves fans are joining them, Jemimah, and it looks like half of the Orc team have been knocked to the ground. Algernon, what’s it like when the fans invade the pitch like that?'
'Not sure Gary. We never had any fans, so...'
'Onto the second half then, viewers, and this time it’s Hectorc who picks up the ball and charges into the cage.'
'Not many Skaven there now Gary.'
'No Algernon, with two injuries and Blitzer Spiteful Pugh recovering from a nasty blow to the head in the dugout the thieves look a little short handed as the Orcs plough down the pitch.'
'There’s a spirited attempt by Foridden Sardines to halt them but Hectorc barges his way through and it’s 2-1. Superb play from the Dandies there Gary, and may I point out that they seem to be targeting Sardines with some rough treatment- Orkdysseus is clearly not happy with the space the Skaven star got in the first half.'
'Yes Jemimah, and as the ball is kicked back to the Thieves you can see three or four of them hunting Sardines down.'
'Yeah they’re packing him in like some kind of small generic fish into a tin receptacle of some sort.'
Still it looks like the Skaven captain Tumultuous O’Reilly has everything under control, just keeping the ball safely away from the onrushing Orcs- oh no? What happened there Jemimah?
'I didn’t get a great look at it Gary but it seems like Dangerous Beans tripped over his own tail while dodging away from the Orc Blitzer Orcilles. I think it might have just clipped his heel... But the confusion has let Sophorcles the other Blitzer to ask some serious questions of O’Reilly... and there’s Casandwaagh nipping in to pick up the loose ball right at the end of the half.
All she has to do is walk it into the end zone and the Dandies have pulled off an unlikely draw... But wait, Cassandwaagh is down too, amazing scenes here!'
'What a turn up for the books.'
'She certainly didn’t see that one coming, Gary. And there’s Forbidden Sardines again to gather the ball and toss it into the safe arms of the recovered Malicious Tomato, and that’s the final whistle. Wow, what a game, viewers. That’s the most eventful ending I’ve seen since I hung around with some Slaaneshi cultists and a captive giant. Those girls had pretty sure hands, Gary.
'That’s fantastic Jemimah. And a great note on which to end the show. Don’t forget to tune in again next week viewers for more expert opinions from Jemimah and Algernon and the next games in the ESPN League.'
'Hello viewers, and welcome to Smash of the Day, bought to you by the partnership of ESPN and Snorri’s Tasty Gravel Snacks- if your throat feels like a quarry, it’s Snorri’s. I’m your host, Gary Sublimikar (buy more Snorri’s) and helping review today’s ESPN League action are Algernon Pickwhistle, holder of the award for Most Concussions Survived in Blood Bol XXVI, and Jemimah Overkill, joining us from Cabalvision after...’
‘Let’s not mention that, Gary. The charges were, after all, never proven.’
‘Oh, of course, Jemimah, of course. Well, viewers, we have a very special treat for you today- the very first, inaugural, opening game of the ESPN League between the Badland Dandies and the Cheese Thieves. Algernon, why don’t you start us off with your review of the teams tactics?’
'Right yeah, erm, well, y’see, we never did much in the way of tactics with old Frodo Buggins, y’see, he was more concerned with this old ring he had, and...
'Well thanks for that, Algernon, and apparently we have had a call from a Mr Naz Gull asking for any information on the whereabouts of your old coach and this ring he kept mentioning. Anyway Blood Bowl fans, on with our review of today's action, which you will of course be watching along with u thanks to our patented WebSight technology. Jemimah?'
'Thanks, Gary. The Dandies kicked off and as we can see the lineman Philorctetes, well, he hasn’t been the same since that foot injury, and it flew straight into the crowd, who gave it back to the Skaven. Still, Phil’s kick gave the Orcs time to rush into the Skaven half to put a bit of pressure on the Cheese Thieves ball carrier Dangerous Beans...'
'Didn’t help much, though, did it- look at that rat go.'
'Good player, innee.'
'Ah, yes, Algernon... Well, with a bit of a shimmy and the help of a timely block from the Thieve’s Blitzer Spiteful Pugh, Beans rushed through the Orc line and offloaded to Forbidden Sardines to score the game’s first Touchdown.'
'Cue wild celebrations from the Thieves fans there, Jemimah, with their signature chant of Things can only get Feta... but lineman The Infamous Nigel looks like he met a pretty infamous fate at the hands of Platorc the blocker.'
'Yeah, Platorc got him good. Reminds me of the famous Grasshopper game against the Chaos All Stars, Gary, when my good mate Randy Oldman got a proper good whack at the All Star captain Jimmy ‘Page’ Turner... I lost a lot of good mates that day, Gary. Probably not a good idea to anger them really.'
'Well quite Algernon. Back to the action though and Orcimedes took the resulting kick-off with aplomb, racing into the tightest cage I’ve seen since my ill-fated trip to that Goblin strip-club. Another pretty vicious block by Blitzer Patrorclus there...'
'Is it just my eyes or is the Theives’ apothecary having a nap in the Thieve's dugout Jemimah?
'It certainly looks like it Gary, and I’m sure Risky Chowder will be having words with him later... if he can speak through the plaster cast. We can see the Dandies making slow but steady progress up the field for a while, but what’s this- oh my, Orcimedes won’t be happy with that, will he?'
'Let’s look at that again Jemimah.'
'Well Gary, a pretty innocuous push by the skaven Optimistic Prawn should have posed no issue but Orcimedes trips right over the prone form of Cassandwaagh the goblin and boom, the ball’s loose...'
'Not the best thing to do with Skaven around- those rats are slippery than a wet r- oh.'
'Hectorc manages to get to the loose ball but his throw under pressure... well, I’ve seen you throw better than that Algernon, and you’re three feet tall.'
'And there goes Forbidden Sardines again with the pick up and – wow, look at that pass, right down the other end of the field. It’s caught by Nefarious Peaches and that’s 2-0.'
'Surely an unassailable lead, Jemimah?'
'You’d think so Gary, but looking at the Dandies coach Orkdysseus on the touchline, I wouldn’t want to say that to his face. He is fuming. And... well it looks like the Dandies fans are fuming too, as they charge onto the pitch.'
'The Thieves fans are joining them, Jemimah, and it looks like half of the Orc team have been knocked to the ground. Algernon, what’s it like when the fans invade the pitch like that?'
'Not sure Gary. We never had any fans, so...'
'Onto the second half then, viewers, and this time it’s Hectorc who picks up the ball and charges into the cage.'
'Not many Skaven there now Gary.'
'No Algernon, with two injuries and Blitzer Spiteful Pugh recovering from a nasty blow to the head in the dugout the thieves look a little short handed as the Orcs plough down the pitch.'
'There’s a spirited attempt by Foridden Sardines to halt them but Hectorc barges his way through and it’s 2-1. Superb play from the Dandies there Gary, and may I point out that they seem to be targeting Sardines with some rough treatment- Orkdysseus is clearly not happy with the space the Skaven star got in the first half.'
'Yes Jemimah, and as the ball is kicked back to the Thieves you can see three or four of them hunting Sardines down.'
'Yeah they’re packing him in like some kind of small generic fish into a tin receptacle of some sort.'
Still it looks like the Skaven captain Tumultuous O’Reilly has everything under control, just keeping the ball safely away from the onrushing Orcs- oh no? What happened there Jemimah?
'I didn’t get a great look at it Gary but it seems like Dangerous Beans tripped over his own tail while dodging away from the Orc Blitzer Orcilles. I think it might have just clipped his heel... But the confusion has let Sophorcles the other Blitzer to ask some serious questions of O’Reilly... and there’s Casandwaagh nipping in to pick up the loose ball right at the end of the half.
All she has to do is walk it into the end zone and the Dandies have pulled off an unlikely draw... But wait, Cassandwaagh is down too, amazing scenes here!'
'What a turn up for the books.'
'She certainly didn’t see that one coming, Gary. And there’s Forbidden Sardines again to gather the ball and toss it into the safe arms of the recovered Malicious Tomato, and that’s the final whistle. Wow, what a game, viewers. That’s the most eventful ending I’ve seen since I hung around with some Slaaneshi cultists and a captive giant. Those girls had pretty sure hands, Gary.
'That’s fantastic Jemimah. And a great note on which to end the show. Don’t forget to tune in again next week viewers for more expert opinions from Jemimah and Algernon and the next games in the ESPN League.'
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