Smash of the Day 2

Hello viewers, and welcome to Smash of the Day, today bought to you by the partnership of ESPN and Gooop- for when science doesn't quite match up with your preconceived beliefs. I’m your host, Gary Sublimikar (vaccines are poison) and helping review today’s ESPN League action are Ignatius Flopsicle, winner of the Spike Magazine Trophy for Best Kept Dugout 2343, and Jemimah Overkill, joining us despite recent allegations that...’

Now now Gary, don't breach that superinjunction. You remember what happened last time...

Of course, Jemimah. Well viewers, we have a bit of a treat for you today, some Elf on Elf action-

Steady on, chap, that sort of talk could get one in quite the pickle, what?

Well, quite, Ignatius. As I was saying, today's game was between the Bejewelled Bastards and the stars of our upcoming Team Review, Sylvanian Family Planning. So without further ado, let's get on to the no doubt very stylish action- Jemimah?

Yes, undoubtedly we're about to witness a very skilful, genteel game of Blood Bowl today Gary. I am expecting impeccable behaviour on the pitch and-

Oh I say, they're charging the pitch!

...as I was saying, Gary, the two sets of fans look very rowdy and I am sure there's going to be a bit of a bloodbath in this one.

Well, Jemimah, if the crowd gets their way there will/be- they've laid out the whole left  hand side of the Bastards' defence, and as we kick off the ball sails high into the air and- the Sylvanians score!

Blimey, those Wardancers can swift jolly quick, Gary.

They can indeed, Ignatius, and as we watch the replay we can see  the Wardancers closing in on the Bastards' thrower Foldimon Vendan and that is a pretty graceful move from Caomhan Braycon to strip the ball and run it into the end zone. 

That didn't take long, did it Jemimah. And while we watch the Sylvanians celebrate Ignatius, I believe you are a good friend of the Bastards' supposed benefactor, King Shitehawk de Pfeffel, and I've been asked to-

There's no truth in the rumours, old sport, if that's what you mean. Not a single jot. 

Well, that's not what I heard, Ingnatius, and it has to be said that I've also heard the Bastards' name is well earned considering de Pfeffle's rather energetic nighttime habits-

Well I never, the absolute downright cheek-

Sorry to interrupt what looks to be a more violent encounter than the one of the pitch, guys, but the ball's been kicked off again and this time the Bastards are making for the end zone, led by their star Blitzer Khidell Omalee. That's a lovely pass from thrower Vendan and it looks like- oh no! 

Oh no is right, Gary, the ball is dropped just shy of the Sylvanian's end zone and picked up by the scorer of the first Touchdown Caomhan Braycon.

The jig certainly seems to be up for the Union team, Gary, what?

Early days yet Ignatius, but there are a couple of slick passes and the ball is caressed into the arms of  the Sylvanian catcher Qi Ron who runs in for touchdown number 2. 

And in the middle of that drive the poor Bastards' catcher Almer Umera was knocked into the crowd, a section of whom seem to have made off with her gem encrusted breastplate... 

Oh my...

Ignatius seems to have been taken a little ill by that turn of events, viewers- let's hope he doesn't have any of that new Bugman's Flu, made in conjunction with the Plague God Nurgle, eh? We'll move on to the second half without him. Seems like the Sylvanian coach Gwynne Paltrowan is unhappy with his charges despite their half time lead, Jemimah?

Well quite Gary, he seems to be giving all of them what looks to me like a sugar tablet and a fifteen times distilled glass of water. It's certainly having an effect, they look like they are furious. It's a pretty aggressive start from them and- wow, scorer Braycon seems to have hurt himself running into a particularly large emerald on one of the Bastards' helmets.

Is his foot loose, Jemimah?

That's beneath you, Gary. Anyway, the ball is changing hands rapidly now- Bastardsblitzer Rovaro knocks own Qi Ron the catcher to grab hold of the football but it's quickly stolen back by Gor Ville the wardancer, who then falls over his own hooves. The ball's bouncing around and no one seems to want toget hold of it, but wait, in comes Bastards thrower Vendan picks it up and draws her arm back, the pass is gong, going... oh no, it's intercepted by the branches of the Dryad Quickbeam, and the Sylvanians have the ball back. 

She's surrounded by Elves though Jemimah so- oh my, how did she do that?

She sways like a willow past four challenges Gary, before offloading to Qi Ron to run in his second touchdown of the game. What a move!

The Bastards look deflated, Jemimah- can they react to this?

They seem to wannt to try, Gary- they are in it straight from/the kick off, that's a great pass by Vendan and... oh, Khidel Omalee is smacked clean in the face by the recovered Caomhan Braycon and that is one superb throw from Sylvanian Keitha McJilly.

Daughter of course of team coach Gwynne Paltrowan (buy Gooop).

That's right Gary, and that sends Gor Ville the wardancer clear and there's number 4. The goblin ref blows its whistle and, wow, that won't be one the Bastards' coach will want to repeat in a hurry. 

Certainly not, Jemimah, and as Sylvanian Family Planning race to the top of the league almost as quickly as their Wardancers move, that seems the perfect place at which to end the show. Join us next time on Smash of the Day for coverage of Salas' Saltminers  versus My Chemical Necromance, which promises to be a frenzied atmosphere, and remember- buy Gooop, for when the sent of your own genitals just isn't enough. Goodnight !